17 August 2009

Imma piece of crap.

It's one thing to think of yourself as a piece of crap. I would say that I am my worst critic. But when others see the little things in you that you hate about yourself AND point them out, it blows. Kinda stings like when you chop a finger off and use lemon as a band-aid.

I don't know what my problem is or what is wrong with me, APPARENTLY I have "deep rooted issues/anger issues". No this was not from a doc or a counselor... it was from a person I know. Anyways, I already know this... if I had the time to take off to be fully assessed by a real shrink and have the time to spend on working through my issues, things would be easier. However, I have a job and a life.... I can't put everything on hold because I have "issues". The world doesn't work that way.

So instead I get told I have a problem that I need to fix. That's it! No encouragement. No safety net or support group. No tips or advice to work through my anger. Instead I just get told what I have already known for like ever. Duh I am angry. Duh I have problems. Duh I have dark creepy hatefulness inside. Who the heck doesn't?! No one has a piece of cake life. My coping mechanisms may not be the best. I may not reach out for help but I know I can't just sit and wallow in my misery. I am not about to go section 8 or go on SSI because 'I had a hard life'. So stupid!

I go on hiding being angry or mean because I don't need people around me to notice I am a nasty person. I don't NEED people to tell me things I already know. It's during these instances where I just wanna throw my hands up in the air and go hermit style. Seriously if I am such a nasty person, that others have to point it out... then maybe I don't need to be out and about frolicking with the GP. It's a slap in the face I didn't need or am able to handle right now. I am so ready to cut off everyone I know just so I can keep my bad juju out of everyone's life.

07 August 2009

Sick Little Obsession

Has anyone ever watched the movie May? If you haven't I suggest it, basically she becomes obsessed with certain people based on what she finds attractive on them. Well anyways, here I am sitting here thinking about hands... yes, hands. For as long as I can remember I always liked looking at hands. Dirty finger nails are gross, long finger nails on boys are gross, nail bitten fingers are gross. However, I am not just obsessed with how nasty some hands are.... I am obsessed with hands in general.