31 October 2010

Tricks for Celebrating Halloween at Every Stage of Life

So after reading the advice about taking 'magic mushrooms' I stumble down to see this bit of funny. Seriously I wanna be Dread Pirate Roberts... I could do it.

Advice for men:

1. Grow half a moustache.

2. Go to any cheap-ass Halloween store; buy a plastic sword and that generic black vinyl "Cat Woman" mask they all have in stock.

3. Cut the ears off of the mask and flip it inside out. Trim any tags or odd threads.

4. Go to a thrift store and buy a loose-fitting black silk woman's blouse; leave it unbuttoned to the chest. Now find some baggy black pants and black knee-high boots.

5. You're now the Dread Pirate Roberts, from The Princess Bride.

6. If a girl asks anything of you, reply with simply: "As you wish."

7. Drown in pussy.

*Note: Should a female not "get" your costume, just move on: If her favorite movie is not The Princess Bride, she is terrible in the sack and that probably also makes her a bad person. I do not know why this is so; I only know for a fact that it is so.

Advice for Women: Do not run off with that guy ironically dressed as The Situation. The Dread Pirate Roberts is coming to rescue you.

However, this is probably what I will end up doing on Halloween:


30 October 2010

The 13 Most Evil U.S. Government Experiments on Humans


Did we learn anything today boys and girls?

Pop quiz.... what is this child suffering the effects of?

Alright enough of that.... hope you guys read the article. My co-worker did and was astounded at the information. I love how no one knows about what our government is up to or even cares to dig into what they have been up to and coughed up to doing.

Today I was asked if I am registered to vote.... What do you think?

29 October 2010

Am I getting too old (part two)?

"The Running Man"

What is it? Well for you old schoolies that are literate, you know full well it is a science fiction novel written by Stephen King in '82. It was later adapted to film in '87 (LOOSELY ADAPTED) and the awesome Gummi Bear of Candycornia was the lead actor for it. I don't even wanna get into the game console they made the game for, that would not only date me (as if you don't already know my age) but prove what a dork I am too.

And then there was this:

The Running Man is a street and fad dance that originated in late 1986 early 1987 and was performed most notably by MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice during their live concert shows and music videos, but achieved renewed popularity in the 2000s. It is also used in some forms of the Melbourne Shuffle dance style. It consists of a hopping or sliding step done in such a way at speed to simulate a runner.

The Running Man achieved celebrity focus in 2007 with Britney Spears doing an homage to it during her M+M's: Concerts From The HOB Tour 2007[1] and Scarlett Johansson stating of her dancing in an interview with Seventeen that, "I do a great Running Man."

Okay so now that we have a little back story to The Running Man, I will continue my story of 'Oh my god I am old.' I was driving home after work, like I normally do and a few kids were out in the street (not the side walk) doing The Running Man. Not only have I seen folks in their early 20's doing this out at bars, dance parties and raves but now I see the local junior high kids doing this. I remember seeing people do the running man BEFORE some of the kids that are practicing the steps were born! I know people take lessons in other dancing like ballroom, swing or salsa.... but I really don't see the return of a herky jerky dance step, now referred to as shuffling, to be on par with the aforementioned dancing.

Check out this kiddo showing people how to shuffle dance, notice his integration of The Running Man into his routine. {Kid is probably young enough to have been my teen pregnancy child.} Oh and for you youngin's that want to incorporate yet another old school dance move in try The Roger Rabbit it's like the Running man, but backwards. WOW! I know right, you are totally floored and can't wait to try it out.

28 October 2010

Am I getting too old (part one)?

So the other day when I was driving home early from work I noticed an ocean of teenagers walking home, I live a few blocks from a high school. And I was thinking to myself, "Self, I have some of that clothes at my grandmas house from when I used to be a kid. The 80's fashion is fashionable again?"

So I hopped on my computer machine to do a comparative study of 80's fashion vs. Hipster fashion. And hot damn if some of the similarities are uncanny!

This was cool then and now... MAGIC!

I should have a garage sale of my old crap that my mother, aunt, grandmother horded. I just tossed out (Freecycled)a few dresses from the 80's that I had in my possession.... the girl that picked them up said, "Wow these are really cute! Where did you get them?!" Answer: 1985, no seriously, I am not lying. For real circa 1985. I just saw a picture of Halle Berry in a god awful thick striped sweater dress WITH shoulder pads. Any way enough of my grandma ranting. GET OFF MY LAWN YOU YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPERS! I just find it that what used to be attire for a costume party or Halloween is now the "cool" thing to wear. Do kids still use 'cool' as an adjective? Or is it just rufus (Never Been Kissed reference...)now or some other descriptive word.

Note to self: Dig through grandma's garage and sell shit.

24 October 2010

I ruse! Or do I?

Oh the kitchen sounds like a good place to be... I'm hungry and I need to get to my gender appointed task. Thanks philosoraptor, you saved me from starving again.

22 October 2010

Hey Santa,

It’s me again. I was thinking, since I want an Avenging Unicorn it would only be right for me to request the unicorn of the sea play set too. So please append “The Avenging Narwhal Play set” to my list of things I deserve for Christmas. So far this year I have only asked for three things, so please, I promise to be good. I want play sets! I also promise to let the Narwhal and Unicorn play with Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu. They have been lonely since I got them in August so I promised them if I get Unicorn and Narwhal for Christmas they can play together.

Thanks again old buddy!

P.S. Are you hiring elves right now? I know some small children that can pass as elves that keep pestering my dogs. I can arrange an exchange…. them for early presents? Let me know. You know where I live.

21 October 2010

What the fuck?!?!?! Seriously???

10 Things Your Kid Should NOT Be for Halloween. Take a look at number five:

5: Zombies and Vampires

We actually like "nice" vampires, so we aren't ruling them out altogether. We just don't advocate excessive blood and gore. Dangling eyeballs (synthetic, of course), buckets of blood and other graphic measures designed to shock can be just too much. They frighten small children and spoil the fun. There's a difference between scary fun and glorifying violence. Chances are you'll recognize the difference when you see it, so keep a sharp eye out as your older kids design their costumes.

Come on people..... it's freakin' Halloween! Honestly I would rather see a scary child than see people dressing up like pimps and hos... I mean I guess that's scary if you think about it... Just think your six year old says, "Mom for Halloween I wanna be a hooker." I would much rather my six year old tell me they want to be Nosferatu or Medusa than a damn hooker. What is this stupid world coming to now?

So do we want this:

or this: