Dear Mc Donalds #2,

Post-production title: Dear Susie, when will you learn?

On my  lunch break I decided to run to the optometrist to get my new glasses.  After I got my glasses I figured I would stop at my closest fast-food, filth-hole and you were the closest one.  I should have known better from previous experience that your sandwiches are terrible.  I should have ordered a soft-serve ice cream cone because you have yet to find a way to fuck that up.  But no, I was stupid again (or just maybe a little insane). I decided to try something I had not tried from your selection of over processed filth.  I wanted to try your Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Light, flaky white fish.  Tangy tartar sauce and melty cheese.  A delicious favorite at 380 calories.

To whom it may concern,

I liked you a lot more when you weren’t acting like a high school kid crying for attention. I also miss our conversations that actually had substance instead of the mundane small talk. Change is a constant, so I hope you continue to change but for the better instead of changing into more of a weirdo.

Your Friend,
S. Eichel

P.S. While you were out having fun, I forgot to feed the fish. Sorry, but in all honesty you should have been more responsible than letting a fish/plant killer be in charge.

Dear TK,

I wish I could walk down the hall hearing the sappy music wafting out of your room on my way to the kitchen for whatever it is I was headed to get but forgot on the way.

Your friend,
Susie

Dear Work,

I just wanted to stop by and tell you how much I think you suck runny asshole. Anytime a computer is not working and we are not available at the drop of a hat you get upset. If the network is down and not back up in two minutes the whole tech department is to blame even though WE as a department have no control over the Comcast circuits OR power outages. I understand you all think we are some kind of computer wizards and with the flick of the wrist, wave of a wand or magic fairy dust we have the power to fix all. I think it is cute that you are so naive.

What I find very unfair is how our department is left out of everything. For example today, one of the high schools choirs came to sing and strut their stuff. Was there an invite to the techs? Did anyone peek their head in the office to see if we wanted to also hear the kiddos sing? NO! Of course not, it's not like we should be working or anything right??? Seriously payroll closes today and out the office window, who do I see standing out there gawking at singing high schoolers? The pay roll department. It is quite common that our tiny office of about 4 to 6 people is conveniently nothing more than an after thought for anything that goes on at work. It's frustrating! As a person with feelings it makes me feel like the odd man out during a dodge ball game that no one bothered to invite me to but I can see out my window. :(

No one tells us when the tamale lady is here. No one lets us know when the strawberry guy is here. No one bothers us when one of our schools is here to perform for the district office. To be honest the tech department, for as much as people NEED us, is nothing more than the red headed step child of the district office. No one interacts with us (no we are not all 500 lb, socially inept men who smell of Doritos and live in moms basement). We have feelings too and it's sad when a whole department is left out of the functions that the rest of the building is engaging in. Jerks!

Sincerely,

Super Frustrated SusieTron 5000

P.S. I hope all of your computers break while I am out to lunch!

Dear Me n Ed’s Pizzeria,

Please consider training your employees on how to use the order manager. A little extra training to your employees would assist in their confidence, expedite orders and ultimately allow your employees to get off the phone and MAKE the orders.

Sincerely,

Starving Susie

Dear strange little Mexican guy that parked in my carport spot,

Please come park in my carport spot more often. In exchange for letting you park there for a short time please continue to provide me with super duper cheap mandarins and oranges. I really appreciate you giving me a bag full of 8 mandarins and 2 oranges for one dollar. They are really juicy and delicious. I promise I won’t tell on you for having bad tags or for selling produce out of your truck with out a proper sellers license. I won't even have your car towed for being in my spot as long as you move out of it when I come home to park.

Your thankful produce buyer.

Dear idiots that think they are being funny,

I KNOW it is not St. Paddy’s day. Yes I know my beanie is green. I am not fucking Irish nor do I want to be. I lost my last beanie and so I made this one. You’re, “It’s not St. Paddy’s day yet,” comments are not bar har har funny. No you are not being cute. Yes you are annoying me and can you please go away. Fuck!

Ya know come St. Paddy’s I should wear an orange beanie. I shall start making it tonight. No I am not Scottish. But I hope it pisses you stupid Irish retards with your lame ass jokes enough to know not to bother me. Dare you to pinch me… I DARE YOU! >:(

Sincerely,
Pissed of NON Irish woman.

Dear Freezepop Hoodie,

I love you very much but I think you have seen better days. I am reluctant to stop wearing you because you keep me warm and you are comfortable. However, Snarky has loved your right sleeve so much that it is missing a spot. And I have worn you so often that you are no longer the red and black you used to be. Please help me find a suitable replacement for you. I promise not to throw you out, I just will be more selective of when I wear you. Please don’t be jealous or sad, I still love you. That is why I need to find another hoodie to keep me warm so I can extend your life in my closet.

I have tried searching the internets masheen for a suitable replacement and have only found maybe one or two that I like. I was hoping you could throw some suggestions my way. Thanks in advance.

Your faithful wearer.

Dear California Lottery,

Even though I have never played you, I would like to win. Can we make this a possibility? I would like to enjoy the luxury of owning a home, working part time and watching more anime than my little eye balls can handle. I promise in return to continue to be a productive member of society, volunteer more often and continue to work on my crafts.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. Can you provide me with a tutorial on how to play the lottery?

Dear Tuesday,

Why can’t you be Friday afternoon already. I have much manga to read and anime to watch. Why do you have to be so cold in the morning Tuesday? If I must suffer you, at least make it quick and painful. Will you please fast forward to 7pm so I can make a delicious dinner and watch Samurai 7?

Thanks. Your long time Tuesday participant.

Susie

Dear McDonalds,

The over priced breakfast sandwich I purchased this morning tastes like a salt block. Please stop charging so much for something you stick in a cow pen.

Thank You

Dear self,

Stop being a lazy ass and stopping at crappy places on the way to work to grab a breakfast because you were to lazy to wake up early enough to make something that actually tastes good.

Thank You

Dear World,

Do not interrupt my manga reading session or I will attack you. Kindly direct all incompetent humans to annoy someone else for the day. Thanks in advance.

Your long time resident,

Susie

Dear Veggie Sandwich,

I know you are just an excuse for me to eat pickles… but why do you gotta get so soggy? Sog leave my sammich alone! I want to enjoy my veggies on non-sogness.

Sincerely,

Addicted to Pickles….

the drummer doodily doo, ding-dong doodily doodily doo.

Dear Right Ear,

You have been causing me much pain and discomfort as of late. You have turned me into a grumpy person and I do not like that very much. I have been taking care of you as per directed: ear drops and antibiotics. Please I would like you to stop aching, start listening and allow me to enjoy a weekend not in be or in pain.

Also if it is not too much to ask can you make this weekend be a little on the warm side and not so windy so I can enjoy a walk in the park with my dogs and friend? If this is too much to ask, I understand. But please take my wishes into consideration for I fear the next communication I will have with you shall end rather poorly. (Knife lopping you off jerk wad!)

Sincerely your long life friend,

S. Ojeda
P.S.

I am dead serious!

Dear Charlyne Yi,

I find your voice terrible. I have seen you in other movies before and did not enjoy you being in them. After enduring Paper Heart, I wish to never see you in another movie as long as I live. And most of all I really don’t like the fact that you mumble. Your words are slurred like you have been on Valium your whole life.

Thank you.

Who is Charlyne Yi? Find out here.

Dear Santa,

I have been really good this year. Well, aside from laughing at the neighbor's kid that fell and scraped his knee the other day. But that's what he gets for being a tyrant. Karma's a bitch and I'm her pimp. I digress, this letter is to notify you to append the "Avenging Unicorn Play-set" to my Christmas wish list. My mom doesn't celebrate Christmas and my dead beat dad is a loser I haven't seen since I was in my teens. And even when I DID see him I got no XMas love. So I beseech you lord of fat and presents. Please can you bring me the Avenging Unicorn Play-set? I promise to be good for the remainder of the year, excluding laughing at children in distress.

As stated before, I promise to leave out a yummy steak and good beer for you instead of cookies and milk. I am sure you are tired of the same thing being left out for you year after year by booger faced children that are nothing more than TOY BREAKERS!

P.S. I love you Santa! UNICORN PLAY-SET!!!!!!

Hey Santa,

It’s me again. I was thinking, since I want an Avenging Unicorn it would only be right for me to request the unicorn of the sea play set too. So please append “The Avenging Narwhal Play set” to my list of things I deserve for Christmas. So far this year I have only asked for three things, so please, I promise to be good. I want play sets! I also promise to let the Narwhal and Unicorn play with Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu. They have been lonely since I got them in August so I promised them if I get Unicorn and Narwhal for Christmas they can play together.

Thanks again old buddy!

P.S. Are you hiring elves right now? I know some small children that can pass as elves that keep pestering my dogs. I can arrange an exchange…. them for early presents? Let me know. You know where I live.

Dear Santa,

I have been good this year and and therefore requesting a present from you. So for Christmas this year I really want this:

I promise to continue brushing my teeth before bed and washing behind my ears. Just please bring me this awesome book of laughs for Christmas... and a unicorn. If you can't find a unicorn just bring me a pony and I will glue a horn to it's head even a one horned goat would work.

Thanks Santa I love you!

P.S. I promise to leave you steak and beer instead of milk and cookies. We all know that other stuff will just rot your teeth and give you diarrhea.