28 June 2009

Ask me again what is on my mind.

No one could ever say it any better than Shel Silverstein.

This is exactly why I can't sleep, it is why I get cranky and the reason I cry uncontrollably. This man is a freakin' genius!



Whatif by Shel Silverstein


Last night, while I lay thinking here,

Some whatifs crawled inside my ear

And pranced and partied all night long

And sang their same old whatif song:

Whatif I'm dumb in school?

Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?

Whatif I get beat up?

Whatif there's poison in my cup?

Whatif I start to cry?

Whatif I get sick and die?

Whatif I flunk that test?

Whatif green hair grows on my chest?

Whatif nobody likes me?

Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?

Whatif I don't grow tall?

Whatif my head starts getting smaller

Whatif the fish won't bite?

Whatif the wind tears up my kite?

Whatif they start a war?

Whatif my parents get divorced?

Whatif the bus is late?

Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?

Whatif I tear my pants?

Whatif I never learn to dance?

Everything seems swell, and then

The nighttime whatifs strike again!

When I sit at home getting ready for bed the scary what ifs come out to get me. The alcohol, the pills and anything else I can get my greedy little hands on to keep the what ifs from destroying me; there they still are, the what ifs. Staring into the dark with my covers pulled up around my head afraid of something that is going to get me and it's all in my head. I just want to blackout. I don't want to think... I don't want the what ifs to get me. There are lots of what ifs and as much as I try to avoid, ignore, look past them.... they are always there. At work they stare at me in the face when I have idle time. When I open my eyes in the morning there they are looking back at me.



Of course all I ever hear is that I worry over nothing... I stress about little things... I need to relax. I try to relax all the time to no avail! I wish I could have some kind of brain damage and yet again here I am thinking: What if I get brain damage and I can't help my family? What if I end up not able to take care of myself? What if I end up with Alzheimer's like grandpa? I hope I don't end up a burden for my family. And then change my mind and hope nothing bad happens to my brain and yet here I am staring back into my mind wondering why? What the deal is? Why does the rest never come? Seriously how hard does a brain have to think before it melts down???


Three hundred million thoughts of what ifs go through my mind all day everyday... I don't know which what if to worry about and which to ignore completely....

Example last night during one of my what if moments here is a text I sent my sister:
If god frowns on suicide and hurting yourself? What if someone has an actual mental affliction they can not control? Does god forgive them if they hurt or kill themselves?



Seriously if god knows all and and is benevolent and forgiving.... is he willing to overlook a sin because someone is actually "sick" and can't help themselves? Ok; you that read this don't get worried, I know there was a macabre post earlier but these are the questions that run through my mind all the time.... silly little questions that would never apply to me but still! Inquiring minds want to know, I am seriously a Curious George. I want to know answers for everything and its an impossibility but I will continue to ask my questions; answers or no. Now here goes the way my brain thinks.....



>One of the commandments says you should not kill or spill innocent blood or something along those lines.... Well that would then apply to the self. One should not shed one's own blood or murder themselves.... (Yeah yeah I know its all about interpretation but dammit my brain thinks this way.) So to me this means you did a no no if you hurt yourself or kill yourself. But there are those out there that are completely mad and off themselves. Really things are getting worse by the minute... so wouldn't god understand that things are getting worse. Humans as a whole are degenerating at an exponential rate. Is he going to hold a 10 year old that offs themselves responsible and deny them whatever prize it is he has for them. (This is all speculation of course cause I dunno if there is or is not a god.) I mean even now our society sees a 10 year old as someone that is too immature to make responsible decisions. Would god, if god exists, hold a 10 year old responsible for such an act? Would the parents be held responsible?>



Stupid thinking and stupid thoughts.... I need to stop writing before I end up in the PUFF... really though these are thoughts that daily haunt me. I do not know if there is a god. I do not know what happens to people when they die. I don't know why these thoughts haunt me. I don't know why I kick myself in the shins when I have it so good. I have a job, my family counts on me, my friends and co-workers appreciate me but I get those strange thoughts.... I think that if there is by chance a god, I would not want to disappoint, I try my hardest to be a good person. I don't know what happens when we die... I hope I just get to become worm food and nothing more. My small mind can not comprehend the thought of heaven or hell or reincarnation or whatever the damn most popular thing at the time is. I wonder if there is a better person out there for my some what significant other.... someone not hung up on what ifs and a silly heart day dreamer. I want the best for everyone. I want my siblings to become self sufficient and not have to look to me for advice, guidance or help. I can hardly help myself.

I know I do this to myself... I don't need to be a receptive friend, person, sister.... I can walk off into the sunset and never be heard from again. And yet again here I am thinking what would happen if I did that? What if I did walk off? How many times have I been a shoulder to cry on? How many times have a figuratively talked someone off the ledge? Who would fill my shoes if I leave? What mess will I leave behind if I pull a selfish move? Alright enough of this lame shit. Have a good day all.... next time you ask what the heck I am spacing off on you can know, everything!

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