Horrible Horrible

First and foremost, this is just writing to get things off my chest. Plus everyone has strange little thoughts from time to time especially during times of crisis. So last night I had one of those, cry myself to sleep nights. Those nights where you feel defeated about everything and you just want to crawl into a hole and die. And of course you hear people chime in with, "Only selfish people check out early." Well in my thoughts, it's those people who say that who are the ones that are selfish. I mean really if someone is that depressed and over it and it's agony to wake up and continue everyday. Why would you want to keep someone in that type of daily torture? Because you are selfish! Because if they are gone it would bother YOU... because it would in turn make YOU feel bad. But really when someone is scrapin' rock bottom, reprimanding someone about how selfish they are being does NOT, I repeat, does NOT help. I mean come on, let's all kick the depressed person while they are down!


Now I have had those thoughts of, can't my life just be over yet? Why do I have to sit around while the world goes to hell in a hand basket... I can just take the bullet train there no prob. And of course some jerk wad will invariably tell me that it's wrong, I am going to hell, I am being selfish and that people love me. It is because of the love I have for those that love me that I lay in bed at night crying instead of renting a tank of laffy gas to begin my eternal slumber. I have siblings that I would leave in turmoil, my siblings are prone to moments of depression just like I am. I don't need a domino effect of family deaths on account of me. Because I love them, I do not want them to hurt, I do not want to be the reason they cry. So of course I stick around... that and we don't have much family anyways and what little family we do have is all broken.

And of course the whole "your friends don't want that" which I totally understand, no one wants to lose a friend unexpectedly. Death, for as much a part of life that it is, is one of those things humans dread the most. I think it has something to do with the unknown and missing the departed but that is just what I assume. I have no qualms with dying, as far as my belief's are concerned.... I die, end of story. No white tunnel.... no halo and wings.... no pearly gates..... no coming back as a dung beetle....no going to a lake of fire or what have you. I believe it is game over. The end.

So that leads me to the awesome image of the day.... wrist cutting Hello Kitty. I check hellokittyhell.com every morning and after last nights cry fest I found it quite fitting to write about last night and show off the funny pic of HK offing herself. Congrats HK you got bigger balls than I cause I care too much for the feelings of others that I stick around to torment myself. God I hate it when you are tired of breathing but you just can't stop. And now back to our regularly scheduled programing of fake smiles and faux friendly nods.

And if you are in the mood for a comedic movie about suicide check out Wristcutters: A Love Story, you all can thank me in the morning.