05 February 2007
It never stops!
You know when your brain stops to think and then forgets to start again. Well my problem is the opposite of that. My brain doesn’t stop and it’s unhealthy. Today, well since yesterday; maybe even a few weeks ago. I think something is broken, in my brain. And there are things in my life that should make me happy, ecstatic even but I over think things. Ignorance is bliss, ten bucks says it was a wise man that said that. Only due to dissatisfaction at over-thinking things. Lately I have been questioning some choices, some decisions that I don’t think others would question.
Really, how does one with such inner strength crumble at the thought of being inadequate for another human? The thought that people seemed to have been happy and okay before. And they may appear happy still, even more so but surrounding individuals miss their friends behavior from the before time. The ‘before Susie’ time. And this happens with more people than I care to mention. If I got a dollar for every time I hear: ‘I am a different person now that I have met you.’ or ‘I remember so and so before they met you, they are different now.’ Whether it is meant as a good thing or bad thing, it still stings. I don’t want to have feelings of resentment projected towards me because people choose to change due to my influence in their lives. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I think if I was male the situation would be completely different. Or if I was dumb, it would be soo soo much easier. Man I wish I was a dumb guy. Those are what the world is made of, it is what makes the machine work. I am a just a gear with broken cogs, the wrench thrown into the works; the square peg trying to fit the round hole. Dammit. No no, I take it back, I can stay a girl. No wait never mind. It’s easier to sell stuff on EBay when you are male. For some reason men have a hard time buying things from women. I mean come the fuck on, I'm not even a crazy psycho bitch. If I was I could understand life a bit better. Oooh what an idea. Be a bitch, people treat me like poop anyways so then there is a good reason for it. I am just confused, lost, sad and irritated.
I want to just detach myself from all of the relationships I have attained through the years and become a recluse. It might be tricky cause I am a chatty Cathy, social butterfly type. But I am sure I can find enough things to amuse myself solo style. I am easily hurt by people taking my good intentions and happiness and making a mockery of it. Damn people! Frustrations are not good. And neither are hot dogs, broccoli and Guinness for dinner. It is not a proper meal according the the food pyramid.