29 September 2009

Depress-O-Matic


Most people have that one person that they turn to when they need help, advice or just a non-judgmental listening ear (usually a parent or other such mentor). My grandma always had the right thing to say, she always knew when I was in need of help. I don't have her anymore and the older I get the more I miss her. The more I have been hoping to find someone with her knowledge, care and support that I can turn to for guidance.


She always knew that when I would go see her I had something on my mind. She in turn knew that if it was too long between visits, I needed to be called. She gave me the best life advice that I still use to this day but as I get older I have more questions. Without her, I feel less confident in life... as I have grown and experienced new situations in life I feel lost. I don't feel the need to talk to someone that is my peer because they don't have any more life knowledge than I do. I don't feel like talking to friends because they can give a biased opinion. Or they hold back for fear of giving the wrong advice or hurting me. It's during these times I wish I had guiding parents or even any grandparents that were still alive. The older I get the more I realize that my siblings will have the same feeling of being lost in life. I mean unless they find a mentor or a belief in a God or something, they are gonna get in the funk I am in.

If only I bought the garbage of afterlife and praying maybe I could give into false hope as blindly as others. I need something real, a person that can give me words of wisdom and encouragement. I need a human, live connection to help me with so many things these days. I need relationship advice, life advice, financial advice.... I just need help with guidance. It seems every time I try to make things right I mess it up. I make a mountain of more fuck up that just keeps pushing me under. I don't want to try for fear of making more mistakes but at the same time.... if I don't try things WILL get worse. I just need to have my grandma to go to her, to have her put her hand on my head and let me cry on her shoulder. She never once gave up on me and never once made me feel like less than a person for the choices I made. I never turned away from her or her advice and everything was always okay.

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