09 March 2012

The doctors have been telling Porky Pies!

Or if you much prefer: I have health insurance and my doctor wants to take advantage of the ability to bill them (and me) for whatever the fuck they deem 'necessary'.


A little back story: I am unhealthy or as my husband says, "You don't have the superior Scandinavian genes like I do ". I grew up having asthma this kinda puts me at risk for catching pneumonia easily from simple chest colds. I have had anemia and I guess it's kinda common in my family? I don't know, all I know is my sister had it and I am over it now. Diabetes also runs in my family, so keep my weight down in hopes of never getting it.


Once upon a time I had my tonsils and adenoids out. I don't want blame this myth on my doctor because I am sure I heard it elsewhere but I blame him any ways. The myth: If you do not have tonsils, you can't get strep or a throat infection. SWEET! I hate sore throats and coughing.

Fast forward to my adulthood after I have had 3 hospitalizations for pneumonia; there is a pneumonia vaccine. Fuckin' sweet! So my doctor recommends I get the shot to keep me from having pneumonia and I go for it. For the record I have not had pneumonia since, thank you doctor for the great advice.

Well as of 10 years ago or so, my doctor, during upcoming flu season always tells me how I am high risk because of being asthmatic. Always recommends I get the flu shot and I always begrudgingly accept it. I hate the shot it hurts like a mother and leaves my arm sore for a week. So this year since I am going out of the country and don't want to be sick in Germany or at all for that matter. I weigh the pros and cons; then submit to the torture. Of course when the doctor says it's a good idea to get the shot my ears hear: You won't get the flu. So yeah, I got the flu, it happens but dammit I gotta be mad at someone over this one.

Let's fast forward to Sunday, the 4th of March at about 2 in the morning. I call in sick to work, I feel sick. I wake up early at around 7 and I literally feel like I am going to die. I am shaky, weak, can't get any food or liquids down, I can't even make it up and down the stairs on my own to use the bathroom. I try to rest and sleep it off and my whole body aches. My body switches between freezing ass cold and burning up; the whole while sweating more than I ever have working out my hardest. I WANT TO DIE!!!!

So Monday night, I decided I would sleep on the couch so I could sit up as needed to cry over how pathetic I was... I think I let Two Towers play on infinite loop because I didn't have the remote to turn it off and I couldn't get up on my own. Tuesday morning, I wake up pretty much the same as Monday. Still can't eat and I WANT TO DIE! Work has a policy that if you are going to be out of work 3 days or more for illness you need a doctors note. So I called up my doctor Tuesday afternoon and asked if they could get me in. While I waited on their call back I took a quick shower to wash the sick off of me. I seriously looked like the Crypt Keeper; chapped booger nose and chapped lips. I used all the strength I had just to be told the doctor could not see me Tuesday. FUUUUUU!!!! Why?! WHY???? Ok, can I have an appointment for Wednesday morning? Nope. Both of the doctors in the office are gone on vacation until next week. After this call I started crying because that meant I had to go to Urgent Care.

Tuesday night I slept upstairs where I normally do, in a whole lotta pain and doing the night sweats of doom. Not to mention I had some crazy fever nightmares. Wednesday I wake up first thing, get my butt ready and have my husband drive me to Urgent Care. I get called in and Dr. Caruso is the doctor who has to attend to me. I saw him once upon a time in 2009, he wasn't very nice then. And he wasn't very nice to me on Wednesday. He was very rude and very rough with me.

Dr Caruso: So why are we here today?
Me: I am not feeling well I think I have a flu (explain the symptoms) and my throat really hurts.
Dr. Caruso: Don't you have a primary care physician?
Me: Yes I do, they are out on vacation.
Dr. Caruso: I see. Well last time you were here you were sick, you must be sick all the time.
Me: Last time I was here, my doctor was out on maternity leave and I was sick.
Dr. Caruso: So why are we here today?
Me: I don't feel well. I have been feeling sick for a few days with no improvement. I will also need a doctors note to return to work for being sick three or more days.
Dr. Caruso: So why are you unable to get your note from your doctor?

THIS
Remember Abbott & Costello's "Who's on first?" Listen here
Is exactly what I felt like. But sick and dying and very annoyed.

Argh!!! Really dude? I just told you. I can barely talk. So I explain again and he reviews the "sickness" I was there last time for as well as any change in medication I am taking. Being very gruff and short with me. I understand it's Urgent Care and you have to deal with people that have no insurance, walk-ins or referrals from doctors that can't see their patients on a given day (like me); but at least have some bedside manner. Please? Sick people already feel shitty and don't care to leave the comfort of home and TheraFlu, don't make it any worse.

Why does this man have absolutely no bedside manner????

Then he gets to the examination and he is just as gruff and pressing hard on my head (sinus area) after I told him yes, it hurts there. And roughs up my neck which brings on a fit of coughing and it hurts. Then he looks annoyed and asks me if I am finished. By this point I just wanted to steal his damn little notepad and write myself a prescription for antibiotics and a sick note. I KNEW I needed antibiotics, so why did I have to pay a co-pay to get abused and have him write me a doctors note? Because that's the way it's done Susie, you need a fancy piece of paper saying you spent thousands upon thousands of dollars going to a university hopped up on coke in a vain effort to cram as many waking study hours into your brain; just to be a dick about it later. I went home and went to bed after that ordeal. That man has no bedside manner. I think it was a few hours after I had been back from the doctor that I felt energy enough to go get my medication.

So Wednesday I slept in my own bed and I felt mostly tired and achy Thursday. And to my happiness my appetite finally returned and I had the thirst of a dehydrated camel. By 9 pm I suddenly knew I was feeling much better when I felt I needed to go outside. I was indoors too long and I started feeling better, good enough to take a stroll. Just not at night so I did some packing for my upcoming trip.

Today I did the work thing. I am glad I got out of the house. I am glad I was able to catch up with what got piled up at work. But boy do I feel exhausted. I feel mentally deficient, too many days my brain lost brain cells to "The Fever". I plan to take it easy Saturday and if I feel well enough maybe hit the gym and run a few miles. MAYBE, I don't need to land my ass back in bed for any longer than I already spent. So much time wasted, so many movies I half watched because I was not alert enough to watch them in their entirety.

So let us recap the little Porky Pies I have heard of the last few years:
  1. You can't get a throat infection or strep once your tonsils are removed.
  2. The flu is not as bad if you get the flu shot for the current flu season.

Number 1 is horse shit, I have no tonsils and I had throat sickness.
Number 2 is horse shit because I get my damn flu shot every year for the last 10 years and this year I actually felt like I was dying. It WAS as bad as if I had not had the shot, least I think so.

And what have I learned boys and girls.... I have over the course of my life time realized that if it was not for the wonders of modern medicine, I would not have made it to my ripe not-so-old age to bitch about getting sick. Nature would not have selected me to survive to reproductive age to carry on my genes because they are weak. Luckily, I am fixed and do not intend on polluting this already filthy gene pool with my own contribution.
"The world becomes full of organisms that have what it takes to become ancestors. That, in a sentence, is Darwinism."
-Richard Dawkins
In other related unrelated news, I have sworn off the courage juice. It's about that time folks. It was my last vice and it's time to hang up those shoes and trade them in for a pair of dance shoes. And really aside from it making me feel good enough to act a fool, it does nothing else for me. Maybe give me a hangover but really, who likes those? Not me. And Charles Darwin said it best, "An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men." I almost wonder if Darwin studied those camp bears that LOVE getting into camp sites just for the beer? Well I guess maybe Darwin is referring only to the sauce where as the bears go for only for the brews. Hmm, something to ponder even further.

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