08 July 2010

Sleep hates me!

Unhappy again… again.
Why? It always seems like things are too good to be true and then they are. I don’t think I make them this way but it always seems like things start out quite nice and the little things that make me endearing also cause hardship. In every aspect of life I rub people the wrong way. It’s like I am okay until I no longer follow the path you have set in your mind as acceptable. You condemn and judge me because I don’t follow the way you think things should be. Really look at what benefit I bring to our companionship. If I am so terrible, if the cons outweigh the pros move on. People focus on the trivial and lose sight of the things that are truly important. Doing things differently does not make them wrong. Doing wrong things is what makes things wrong.

I don’t like to have to explain myself…I don’t feel the need to have someone know my every waking thought or know my every single move. I am not a jerk and I am not being secretive… I will say, “I will be back.” or “I am going out for a bit.” I don’t need to be interrogated about where I am going, for how long or with whom. If you say, “I’ll be back in a while.” or “I am going for a walk.” That’s fine; I don’t feel the need to know everything. I can trust that what you say you will be doing, is what you actually will be dong. If I can trust people, why can’t I be trusted? Maybe I am too trusting and I assume that since I am trusting others would do the same for me. It seems almost as if people naturally have a feeling of distrust for me. Am I too independent for people to want to deal with? Have I ever acted or done anything to cause people to be suspicious of my actions? I really am not sure what it is. I almost wonder if humans are just untrustworthy in general and I end up having to pay for it. At thirty years old one would think, since I have made it all on my own this far, that I can continue to do so without a looming figure. I get tired of people asking what I have planned, what I have been doing and even going as far as make assumptions because they do not get a satisfactory answer.
Some days I just want to turn inwards and escape from the world and from people. Then other days I can’t stand to be alone and I need companionship or even just to be in the vicinity of others. I hate myself for my inability to choose one or the other. The same reasons I hate and condemn others are sometimes the same reason I choose their companionship. I think maybe I expect too much from others and not enough of myself. I think maybe I am too forgiving of others. Or maybe I can’t make myself happy so I try to bring some joy to others in the sad attempt to make myself smile even just a little bit. I am more of a giver than a taker. I would rather do and give than receive. I hate to feel like a burden and inconvenience and I guess sometimes reciprocation works my way too. I need to learn to receive willingly and happily instead of be adamantly against it. Now I sound like a confused 12 year old. You would think by now I would have grown up and figured out how to be bitter and not give anyone a chance.
I want to be able to say that I have given everyone a chance to prove they shine… even if it bites me in the ass in the end. I want to be able to find the little things in a person that usually go overlooked because they are ‘not worth’ anyone’s time or because they are ‘bad’. I want to be able to explain that I do this because everyone has something good in them. This probably doesn’t explain people like Dahmer or Manson but they couldn’t have been born horrible humans. Maybe if someone had given them the time of day and let them feel they were valued as a human, things would have been different. I don’t know, I don’t pretend to know. These stupid thoughts and feelings drive me bananas. It’s 1.30 in the morning…. I want to cry, I need to sleep and I have work in just less than 7 hours. According to popular research I should be getting a full 8 hours sleep or at least consistently be going to bed in order to stay healthy mentally and physically. And now I am just rambling.
Sometimes I try to stop the runaway train that is my thoughts in the quiet times before sleep… sometimes I am lucky enough to focus on the breath and heartbeat of someone next to me. I don’t need to have a significant other I just need to have a sleeper to focus on to help me slip into the sleepy times. I have the hardest time falling asleep and staying asleep when I am alone. Even when I am having an off day I can’t sleep…I know others can almost see the tension rise off of me and I don’t mean things to be that way. I hate it! I don’t want people to see me as an awful brooding depressed person. I don’t want to be seen as angry and full of discontent. I just want to be seen as a happy person… someone that goes to work every day, has a functioning social and personal life. It doesn’t even have to be super functional; I know no one is perfect. I know people in general have problems.
That leads to a whole other can of worms… “What’s wrong? What’s the matter? What’s bothering you?” Ack! I don’t know; lot of stuff. Mundane stuff that I don’t care to worry about but I do. I am sure others could care less that I am obsessing over the fate of a stray dog that was turned into animal control last Tuesday. It’s retarded; strays are found and turned in every fucking day and here I am feeling worried about a dog I will probably never see again. I hope he gets to go to a good home or his owners find him. I don’ feel the need to try and unload how I feel and why just to be told not to worry. Just to be told that I am crazy for letting such things occupy my thoughts. Yes, I know I am crazy to think about half the things that go through my mind. I know I can’t save the world. I don’t want to have to, in a moment of weakness, share what’s bothering just to be made to feel bad about how I feel. I already feel quite poopy as it is and I don’t need the stinging words of someone who means well to leave a lasting mark on my psyche. Because that is exactly what happens. Someone imparts their wisdom because that’s what people do… give their two cents. And without thinking things through they say things that hurt. And when I hear things that hurt, it kills me. I feel my heart drop into my stomach. I feel an actual pain in my chest and I want to cry. And I just tuck it away and pretend to agree and just nod. I at times try to argue my point and just give up.
I swear it’s impossible to have an objective debate with anyone these days. Everyone thinks they are right and no one is willing to just agree to disagree. Why can’t people just voice their opinion and then allow me to voice mine? No one said one has to be right or wrong…. No one says we had to agree or the world will explode. Why can’t people view differing opinions objectively and with an open mind? Maybe I am not 100 percent correct, but maybe neither are you… maybe by discussing differing opinions and ideas we can come up with wiser and better view points. I almost think we really need talking sticks. No one cares to actively listen to anyone anymore… especially when one person feels they are more educated than others. Or people who feel that since they are older or have a differing life experience can just hop on in and tell you how to live your life because ‘they would know what’s best’. It happens more often than not, where people suddenly go off and have kids and then because they are suddenly a parent they know better than I do. They feel they know it all because they are ‘responsible’ and are raising children. News flash, if you are bored and want to parent me, stop wasting your time. You have children to do that to, isn’t that the reason you decided to make babies? Ugh! They feel the need to impart their high and mighty parental wisdom on me. It’s horse pucky! I am not a two year old that needs parenting I am your peer and sometimes even older and not a teen pregnancy statistic. Just because you have a child does not make me any less responsible than you are. Actually I see it quite differently. In this day and age it’s idiocy to want to bring a child into the world. Way to ruin a new life by bringing it into the world! There are plenty of throw aways out there that could use someone’s good intentions and care… save your soap box preaching for parenting YOUR kids. I am quite fine the way that I am and do not need to make a child to prove to the world that I can be responsible.
It’s now 2 am and I still have no desire to go to sleep… I have no desire to even want to get up and do my day tomorrow if I even do get a chance to catch some zzz’s. Why is it I have to feel the urge to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? Why can’t I just count some sheep or take some Ambien? I think I might go mad with thoughts flying in my head all the time… In my head or through it? Either way I could do without it right about now. Why am I subjecting myself to my own retarded brainy thoughts? If I think these thoughts, you would think I could un-think these things right? Or maybe this deluge of thoughts works only one way. You either think tons of thoughts and can’t put a cork in it OR you don’t think thoughts at all. I think I would rather be a slack jawed yokel staring off into space looking at the pretty stars. Instead I get to stare off into space not noticing the stars because too many stupid thoughts are distracting me from my awesome view. It’s hard to say…. I wish I was a brain genius and I knew all there is to know about how the human mind works. Unfortunately even the best psychologist, sociologist, neurologists have yet to unlock the secrets of the mind and how it works.
Yes I can go see a shrink and have them tell me what mental disorder their handy dandy little DSM 4 says I am afflicted with and what meds will ‘take care of it’. I can go get scans done at the hospital that tell me that I have a problem with electrical misfiring between my synapses. I can even go see an astrologer that will try to sell me the reason I am the way that I am is due to stars being aligned ‘just so’ on a given day. Fucking bullshit all of it. The shrink can’t use their little research and books to fit every unique human being into neat little categories. Brain activity is not an exact science…. and astrology, well I want to know where my twin is because I know full well I am not the only human born on Earth at my given birth time.
I need to try and get some rest… my head hurts. Writing isn’t helping Mr. Sandman take me away. I am only making myself grumpy: Grumpy because I can’t sleep, grumpy because my mind is racing a mile a minute, grumpy because I just want this to all go away! Blah this is stupid…. I am going to try and rest…. I wish I had cyanide capsules and a nice scotch to wash it down with.

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