19 October 2012

Knockoff Lunchables

I remember when Lunchables hit the market store shelves.  I remember how the novelty of them was alluring to me, as a child of course.  I blame the bright packaging.  And then I ate one.  BARF!  So nasty.  For you that don't know or remember, here is what a Lunchables looks like:

It's basically cheese and crackers with lunch meat.  The one above comes with a juice pack and candy.  I remember one of my siblings in particular really liked these.  I liked the crackers.  That was it!  The meat was too salty.  The cheese was some kind of processed plastic stuff.  And the candy and juice that came with the meal was something I could have gotten separately.

These disgusting meals were nothing more than something for lazy parents to pack for their children as their school lunch.  PBJ, an apple and some juice and you save yourself dollars and save your child from having a tantrum at the store because they want their crack infused Lunchables.  (So many ands!)

And if there is anything I have learned from watching parents yield to their little Veruca Salts is that they get worse with age.  And their diet leads to even worse things.  Like turning them into a the stereotypical American bratty child.

I know these lazy meals are nasty.  I know they are not good for me.  But since I bought a billion dollars worth of groceries the store threw in some freebies.  I should have guessed it would be bad if a store was giving them away.  One of the freebies was this knockoff Lunchable (the other freebies were actually good):
This one comes with Skittles mine had a mini Crunch.
Let's start off with the contents:

  • Two mini pizza crusts.  They were bland, dense and tiny.  I decided maybe toasting them would help improve their texture.  While this did help, I ended up dropping one in the breakroom.  I would like to say it was an accident but I think my subconscious may have surfaced in an effort to save me from poor food I should not have been trying too eat.
  • Moving on we have a packet of pizza sauce.  I tore open the plastic packet and had a little taste.  GAH! It was pretty much the same flavor as Chef Boyardee's Spaghetti-O's.  Nothing more than thinned out sugary ketchup with a few flecks of mystery spices.  I quickly wiped the goo off of my remaining pizza crust.  I lose any and all respect for adults that enjoy and eat Spagaggy-O's.
  • That brings me to the pepperoni 'meat'.  Or rather a mixture of pork and mechanically separated turkey that was overly salty and had a strange rubbery consistency.  I almost spit it out but I was raised to be polite so I choked down the little nibble and threw the rest away.  
  • Finally the cheese, it was processed cheese.  But processed cheese is something I have had before as I did grow up in the US where all school cafeteria lunches have processed cheese at some point or other.  So I used it to top the pizza crust and then popped it in the microwave for a few seconds to melt it.
  • The box also contained red flavor Hawaiian Punch and a mini Crunch bar, I won't go into what they taste like.  It's basically sugar water for the juice and sub-par chocolate with rice puffs in it.  Sadly this was the best part of the pizza meal and that's not saying much.  Especially since I don't normally consume sub-par chocolate or sugar water juice.
The tiny cheese pizza was not that great.  It was actually very sad and disappointing.  I thought to myself, what parent in their right mind buys pre-made filth for their darling mini-me?
I should have have pawned the nasty meal off on my husband or left it as a freebie for someone else in the breakroom.  
Note to self: Say no to the nasty freebies!

I actually don't think I would feel right even pawning off this sub-par filth to a hungry panhandler.  Plus most panhandlers are in search of money, booze or cigs.

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