02 February 2012

Month #1 at the gym; complete.

So since joining the gym at the end of December until now I have accomplished the following things:
  • I have learned how not to drown in standing water. I can't really say that I KNOW how to swim now, but if I get tossed into a pool I can make my way out safely. No more drowning for me. I have to get past the fear of water in my nose and choking.
  • I have lost 4 pounds. I was weighing myself every time I went to the gym. And I lost weight THEN GAINED! Well as it turns out, duh my body is starting to build muscle again. I have firmed up a bit and feel more energetic than before I was going to the gym. (I still eat and drink like a little piggy. Imagine if I changed my diet too!)
  • I get healthy AND so does my husband since he goes with me to swim when I go too. Now if only he would just quit smoking!!!
  • Going through one super cute bikini because it was meant to look nice, not serve me as my 5 times a week swim suit.
  • Grew the balls to finally wear a bikini in public. People are at the gym for one reason or another and no one has a perfect body. So I got over my little self-consciousness after day one at the pool. (I am also saddened by the fact that most ladies never get over their body image issues.) I got over it and quite frankly I look nice.
While at the gym I also learned some sad truths and been annoyed so many times. Let me count the ways.

First and foremost on my list is the person pictured above (I stole this pic so I dunno where or who this is). Those people that come to the gym TO TEXT. They take up the machines and just sit there and text!!! People, this is NOT how you work out. This is counterproductive and it annoys people that are actually there to use the machines and do work out. I have dubbed the medicine ball room the "Text Work Out Room". With out fail 4 out of 5 times a week I see both males or females standing still texting away on their phones. Uh, hello... not only do you pay for a cell phone but you are also paying to utilize it on top of that by using your phone in the gym. And then these people that go religiously to the gym can't figure out why they are not seeing results. Just going to the gym is not enough, you have to focus and get into your work out routine. Not sit there and chat to Panchita about how hot the guy is down the way from you. IDIOTS!!!!

These ladies... and some of these ladies fit into the first category too. The girls that get made-up to "work out". I actually witnessed a girl at the gym last night come in, dig through her overflowing gym bag and apply a fresh coat of lipstick and powdered her face. This would be fine and dandy IF she was not about to START her routine. So having your face melt off mid work out is the look you are going for? "Damn, did you see that hot ass bitch right there on the elliptical?" "Yea, her body's good but she has the face of Freddy Kruger!" "True, true." {Insert butter face joke here} First off I am sure it's not good for the complexion and people that worry so much about how their face looks probably will be too scared to break a sweat. Even my vain little sister that has to have cute gym clothes does NOT pack on the make up when she goes to the gym. She knows it's about the work out not how her face looks.
Where do I even start? Umm let's see how about the beginning:
  • Shower before fucking entering the pool!!!! I swear to god I want to scream over this. The majority of the people that enter the pool do NOT shower first. Some of them have nasty ass gel and hair spray in their hair. Some even make up, which I laugh at because after the first dunk in the pool I start thinking, "Since when do they let racoons in the pool?" Not to mention the odd little floaties I find in the pool and lint blobs.
  • If you have long hair, pull it back or use a swim cap. Fucking sick when you have to swim through a tangled mess of SOMEONES hair. It's like walking face first into a spider web, creepy and repulsive.
  • Kids. One of these days I am going to verbally backhand children and their respective parent. These kids run around, jump in when they are NOT supposed to, horse play and this one is the killer... they swim through the lanes of lane swimmers. I swear I want one to swim in front of me just with in range to scratch the fucker and then claim innocence when they scream. PARENTS: Keep control of your damn kids or I will have to force myself to passively aggressively control them for you. We don't want to start a fight at the pool do we? Addendum to the note to PARENTS: Get in the damn pool and swim with your kids to keep them in control. Get off the phone and the bench; get into the pool and show your kids how to behave AND swim.
Now that I am done complaining about the gym... my next order of business is to continue swimming and get past the fear of choking. I also need to start on some upper body strength work outs. Turns out the bridesmaid dress I will be wearing this summer is sleeveless and strapless. I intend on getting my arms to look very tight and lady like. None of this arm keeps waiving when my hand stops bull shit. I think some ab work is in order too. I have no waist (rather I lack curvy lady hips, shoulda been a boy) so I would hate to look like I am wearing a black burlap sack. Hopefully I can work on a bit of a waist.

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