18 August 2012

Clerks (AV Edition) Part 3

Now back to our normally scheduled programming and the final installment of my adventures as an AV clerk.  You can read about Part 2 and Part 1 if you feel the need.  My 3 part saga was interrupted by life and work and mostly just life.  But now for what you have all been waiting for, the end! 

I have a dream! 
My dream is to grace the pages of a Playgirl Magazine.  I am not very tall ( 5'3 or 5'4 if I recall) but I have a good physique and large penis.
I want to work for Playgirl, can you help me?
Wow!  Well sir, you see I work for a store that sells the magazine but has nothing to do with the magazine.  So I can't help you, sorry.

But there must be something you can do.  Do you have an address that I can send my modeling photos to?  Please, this has been my dream.
Well, you can buy a magazine and see if there is an address or something in there that can help you.  I can not help you.  We are nothing more than a spank magazine peddler.  We have nothing to do with who is in the magazine or how it is distributed or their hiring process.

Oh... I see.  Can you tell me if you think these photos would be good enough to submit?  Do you think I would get hired?
Sir, I don't need to see your photos.  I can't help you.  Please sir, you have to understand that walking into a store that sells pornography requesting to work in Playgirl is akin to you walking into Sam Goody expecting to cut a record deal.  There is nothing I can do for you other than sell you a Playgirl.  Would you like to buy one?

Sure, I will take one. (He starts pulling glossy 8x11 photos of himself; NUDE!) But I would really appreciate your opinion on these photos.
Your total comes to $ x.oo, what method of payment would you like to use for this purchase?

Are you seriously ignoring me?  Why won't you look and just give me an opinion?!
Look man, I just work here.  I get paid to sell this stuff; my job description does not entail having to look at patron's nude photos or help them find jobs in the adult industry.  Do you want the mag or not?  I have other customers to assist.

Fine! (Pays, puts his photos away and left quietly.)

I just laughed at myself and in my mind imagined him standing on a podium like MLK Jr. giving a speech to the masses that he has a dream... that one day... this nation will rise up.. live out the true meaning of my PEEN.  Err rather his peen-is.  The guy was a either really, really devoted to making his dream come true, or was down right insane.  Life is not like Boogie Nights, at least I don't think it is.  Can someone really land a job just by showing off their wiener to anyone willing to see?

I want a spank!
No need to hash out the details in this one really.  We sold paddles.  "What's it for?"  "Oh don't play innocent with me, Bazza. Spanking!"  I had a customer that wanted some paddles test driven on him before confirming on a purchase.  I may be stupid but I am not stupid AND born yesterday.  I am pretty convinced that this masochist didn't so much want to test drive the paddle before buying as he wanted to get a paddling for free.
No thanks....  No paddling.  Pay for it or toss off you creepy nonce!

What a sneaky, creepy, old shite of a man!  I mean really, some people have no shame.  No shame at all.  Sorry man, you won't be reliving your old frat house glory days on my shift.

Oh no!  Jokes on me.

My lips were so chapped and they kinda hurt.  But my co-worker had the best gloss on Earth!!!  Or at least that's what he told me.  I slathered some cherry flavored goo all over my poor chapped lips.  I had never felt anything so soothing and wonderful!  I piled on some more of that gloss onto my lips..... and then my lips felt... .or rather did not feel! Because my sneaky little co-worker had spiked the gloss with:

I couldn't talk right at all!!!! I was not expecting talking like someone with a speech impediment!!!!  I had to talk because it was my job as a faithful employee to provide my AV clerk  skills at work.  My sweet, sweet co-worker, fucked up part of my shift and laughed about it.    Granted the "gloss" did ease my pain and provide proper moisture to my weather abused lips.

The joke was on me! Hope you all enjoy my sad sack story in life.   ****sad face**** Really though looking back I laugh but I was kinda grossed out.  It's not like it was used butt goo but it was intended as butt goo and that was enough to mind fuck me.  Hope you have enjoyed my adventures as an AV clerk.  It was an interesting job but I wouldn't do it again.  I actually rage quit that job.  The manager was a prick and I really could care less for the job.  This was the only job I ever quit in my life without having another job as a back up.

I ended up working as a burrito maker for a few weeks before moving into the office environment.  Story of burrito making coming soon.  But not before nagging about skinny jeans.

****Sorry for the poor formatting.  I prematurely posted and had to go back to make some modifications, edits and wipe up after the bloggy mess I left myself.  NOTE TO SELF:  Don't drink and post!****

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