Mobile blogger is failing me!

For some reason my mobile blogging capabilities are failing. Stupid shit not working right... whatever. So here is what I meant to post from the phone in the last few days.



The Bear looking all crazy Cujo style playing with Rocky. I wish I looked that vicious when I played. Instead I just look like a lop. Hooray for me!

At the play with my sisters.

Waiting for the show... after two bottles of wine between my sisters and I.

And a group shot of all three of us together. I really need to go watch a play again with them. :D

LoJo lovings of doom!

So Lauren came to visit back in May. I had her take one of my Hello Kitty t-shirts and she totally tie dyed it for me :D This is the second Hello Kitty shirt she has dyed for me, she has a talent for this type of stuff. So here it is and the awesome card she sent with it too. Hooray for awesome hand made giftys of doom!

Thanks LoJo I love you!

My sister makes me laugh!

So I am sitting at The Swiss, enjoying one of these:When I get a text message from my sister hard at work making MY FACE! In the comment line she calls it the Susie face. I had to work really hard not to spew my Blue Moon from laughter. Having been sitting alone I wonder what the bar patrons would have thought of my random laughter at what would have appeared to be nothing and no one. @_@

I love Scrabble.

Score

Me: 234
Joey: 216

Take that suckas!

I make zap!

The bracelet I have to wear to ground (see the alligator clip) myself or shocking things happen. I need a new one the elastic on this one is pretty much done for. Anyone got any extras lyin’ ‘round? Hook a brotha up! Sorry for the shitty pic quality… cell phones make everything look like BigFoot, blurry!

Nightmares

So last night I woke up twice; frightened and one time choking and gasping for air. So in all three of my dreams I was near the ocean and the waves started to get bigger. So I would back away from the water that was coming cause I don't like the ocean or the cold. And for some strange reason in one of the dreams I felt a sense of panic cause my cell phone was in my pocket and I didn't want to ruin it. (Stupid brain making dumbness happens in my dream. Who cares if I have a phone in my pocket, I hate the ocean!)

Really? I mean, really?!

Seriously people, are we really so bored? Do we really have to eye spy on others? Or do we really have to sit and scrutinize the lives of others? Pass judgment? Make up stories? Really now, I know we live in a relatively small town. I know boredom leads many people in this town to using drugs, drinking and for those too sanctimonious to do either of those (or those that like to do all of the above), partake in the dreaded rumor mill. Get a hobby.... the above listed things will get you in trouble.

Hello Kitty Underoos!

My friend TK found me cute little underoos! I love them, not it's not strange for your friend to buy you underwear. I think it's thoughtful!

Time to put a cork in it. Or is it???

My writings have angered the great gods of talkity talk. Apparently I can't write anything without EVERYONE thinking I am targeting them personally.

What shall I do about this? Stop writing? Noooo NEVAR! Keep writing? Even at the risk of angering Holycat? Even if it means people will hates me because they think I am targeting them directly? Even when at times my writings are just year old musings that fart out of my hands? ABSOFUCKINGLOUTELY!!!

I have a mouth and it speaks. I have hands and they write. It would be almost like me having legs but not walking. Why?! Why cut myself off short on account of generic ramblings? Probably cause I am nice and I don't want anyone to suffer on account of my musings. I am seriously considering either relocating this bloggyblog. Or starting an anonymous one for the safety of the children. But sometimes I share here specifically for the enjoyment of people that I know. Even the strange lurkers that don't know me. Stupid Holycat trying to smite me for what I feel... for having a voice that happens to come out of my fingers. Honestly writing may just be a more dangerous outlet than other hobbies of mine. Little kitty, you come round these parts again and I will be making street vendor tacos out of yous!!!

Boy on the brain? Maybe; maybe.

Much to my excitement, my urge to write has returned! Hooray for my muse biting my butt. Writing is a good outlet for me; it affords me time to vent, think and imagine. So when I am in a slump and I can't write, I feel like an ugly duckling. But when the juices start flowing I feel like I am a beautiful swan. Whatever the reason for my creative juices to be working their magic, I hope it sticks around. I always wondered what causes the fluctuation between creativity and a block (writers block for me). I didn't invest too much thought into it, it was just curiosity.

Strange Dreams

Once upon a time when I first started making changes in Active Directory and remotely connecting to servers here at work, I used to get nightmares. They were kinda lame funny ones but still, I was nervous about making mistakes. So basically I started maintaining all network accounts: deleting, creating, modifying. I was really nervous about making changes that would affect someones ability to connect up to our domain correctly. With the task of managing network accounts I would have to remotely log onto servers that are not located at the district office to move peoples personal files. So I had to be very careful and LOG OFF of the server I connect to instead of shut it down. Basically, "Never, ever, ever shut down the servers." --- Yes that is exactly how I was told, using a very serious tone.

I don't know if this applies to everyone or just nervous ninny's like me but with added responsibilities and an increase in work load I started having dreams about work. One of my recurring dreams involves me accidentally shutting down a server I was remotely connected to. Shortly thereafter, the sys admin shows up to pretty much chew my head off. Then after I get yelled at for messing things up, he chops my pinky fingers off! Yikes! I had this dream for a while and then one day I came into work and told the sys admin I was having dreams of him chopping my fingers off. He laughed and that's about when I realized that my fear was more comical than anything to be concerned with. I mean really in retrospect if I shut down a server accidentally, it would just mean an interruption in service that was not planned. No biggie really.

So that happened years ago, now at work I am the one that makes ALL the changes in AD because, well it became one of my duties. Last week our network administrator sent out an email asking all the network techs not to make changes in active directory. That all changes should go through me because after the change in AD occurs I usually have to move their group and home folders. In addition to that I also have to make sure that I update our master list and make sure all the changes reflect correctly in Exchange. So in a response to that email, I followed it up saying if they make any changes I will remove their pinky's and replace them with twigs. So the IT director who was CC'ed on this email asked me what's up with the pinkys and twigs, so I explained my silly dream that I used to have. This is the picture he sent out to the whole group asking if this is what I meant by replacing pinkys with twigs. It's good to know the group I work with has a sense of humor.

Depress-O-Matic

Most people have that one person that they turn to when they need help, advice or just a non-judgmental listening ear (usually a parent or other such mentor). My grandma always had the right thing to say, she always knew when I was in need of help. I don't have her anymore and the older I get the more I miss her. The more I have been hoping to find someone with her knowledge, care and support that I can turn to for guidance.

Corn on a stick.

When I first moved out on my own I lived on the west side of town which afforded me the luxury of street vendors. My two favorites were the paletero and the elotero, the elotero sells corn on a stick for a dollar. So when I moved to the not so Mexican east side of town I no longer got my tasty treats.

I pretty much forgot about them until I moved back to the west side! Not only is the paletero alive and well but so is the elotero! I also found out there are several carniceria's which sell the corn on a stick. Check out the picture below, it's the corn on a stick my little sister and I shared from a carniceria.

Is it good? I think so and so do many other people. This is the Mexican way of enjoying corn on the cob on a stick. I know most people have seen corn on the cob at county fairs and festivals. Usually it's yellow corn and you can smother it in butter. This is the way I usually see corn on a stick eaten. But I think the Mexican way is much more savory. How do you achieve this corn on a stick with a twist?

1. Steam some corn, white corn is the best for this. But again that is personal preference.
2. Smother the corn with mayo (you can use cream but I like mayo).
3. Roll the corn around in some hard grated cheese. Parmesan works well because it's easy to obtain where I live but queso fresco is the traditional way. (You can also sprinkle the cheese on if you prefer it to rolling the corn in the cheese.)
4. Optional! Chile powder, paprika works well in a pinch but any type of fine chile powder works well.
5. Optional! Why stop at mayo and cheese? Pack on a few more calories with squeezy butter drizzled on the corn.
   

What was that you said? You are having a bbq? You are going to be grilling your corn, you say? Okay, well you can have it the buttery way, the way listed above OR try this:

1. Cut a few lemons into wedges.
2. Take your grilled corn and rub the lemon on the corn.
3. Sprinkle with some chile powder.

Now I am hungry for corn AGAIN! Lastly I wanted to mention the appearance of a new street vendor; The Tamale Lady!!!! Oh dear lord I love tamales. And you can find random ladies selling tamales out of baby carriages or grocery carts. Some of them are expensive and some are not. The same goes for quality some are fair and some are fantastic. My favorite is the lady that only sells them on Sunday. She goes around the apartment complex I live in with a small lunch pail selling them for a buck a piece of 6 for 5 bucks. Once she runs out of that little lunch pail she is out till next Sunday. They are always steaming hot and the woman is very nice and very polite. Her children (she has 2 that she takes with her) are also well behaved which is shocking to see in my neighborhood.

Being on time out.

Soooo... when you get a DUI, they take your license away. At first I really didn't care.... but now I am starting to care.

1. I can't drive... ANY vehicle until after I apply for a restricted license. In order for that to happen I have to get an SR-22, sign up for my DUI classes and then wait for DMV to approve my restricted license. IF they say yes, I gotta dish out 125 buckaroos (on top of the cash already spent on the SR-22 and DUI class). Lame!

2. I can't buy my own cigarettes!!!!!!! I have to resort to asking people to buy my smokes as if I was in high school. So fucking retarded. Oh and get this, you need an ID to buy lighters. Soooooo I, just today, had to resort to using my GTA IV matches that I have never used. I will never get these matches back when they are all used up. **Sobbing** I got them at the fucking ChaCha on my special little buddy trip like 3 years ago!!!!

3. I can't buy my own booze at a store... at all. I swear it's like they suddenly forgot I used to buy alcohol AND was old enough to buy it. So I either have one of two choices, I ask someone to buy my booze again (high school high school high school). Or I have the option of going into the many watering holes that I have frequented in town over the years for an over priced beverage. I mean depending on the beverage the price is worth it. But seriously if I want to have a beer with my burger, I would have to go eat a burger somewhere that knows me AND serves beer. Run on sentences anyone? I got more!

Okay that's enough of ranting :( I am sad panda.

Happy 250th Guinness!

My sisters and I enjoying Guinness' 250th anniversary!

Gifts from Wavy

My brother went to Cancun... And he dropped off a bracelet for me (the one on the right) and one for my sister Lily who was not home. I love my brother!

Gift from Billy!

I wonder what's in the box???

Could it be something Hello Kitty related?

It is! It's a Tanuki Kitty!!!!

Snarky Malarchy update!

Ginger is spacing out cause I stole her baby!

I love the sky!

The sky is a beautiful old parchment in which the sun and the moon keep their diary. ~ Alfred Kreymborg

I really enjoy the sky and I often stare off during the day and at night. But I want to see more than my typical sky:

I want to see the Aurora's at least one time in my life.

When I grow up I am getting the hell outta here. I gotta go check out the sky, the sky from a better vantage point.

I have always wanted to visit Alaska, I have to see it's icy cold beauty. And it also would afford me the chance to see the Aurora Borealis if I go visit Alaska during the right time of year. I have always planned on going with a friend or even going alone. I would have to carefully select who I would go with, if not alone.

Then on the flip side I have wanted to check out New Zealand, it's the youngest country on earth and you can see the Aurora Australis. I need to visit this place too before I die or become to jaded to care. One cool thing about New Zealand is I know people that have lived there. So I could at least get an idea of what to expect by talking to them.

So as soon as I sort out my little fine situation, money savings will begin and not cease until I have reached one of the two mentioned locations. I am not going to sit by the sidelines and let the things I need to happen in my life pass me by. Who knows I might want to move away from Santa Maria forever and go live in a far away place.

I don't want kids or to go to college or get married. I want to travel. I want to travel alone if possible so I can do what I want, when I want. No one has to worry about me and what I want to do. And I don't have to worry about others and their agendas. I would probably enjoy maybe a friend depending on the friend and their willingness to accompany me on my adventures. I tend to wing it often, even when I get lost when I go out of town I call it, 'Adventure'. We're not lost, it's an adventure.

Ginger and Snarky pics

Cup-O-Doggie

No, no, I would never cook my little doggy. But I had to take a picture of him fitting in my cereal bowl. Before I know it he won't all tiny and cute anymore.

I don't think his mother approved. @_@

Billy got me vinyl toys!

Imma piece of crap.

It's one thing to think of yourself as a piece of crap. I would say that I am my worst critic. But when others see the little things in you that you hate about yourself AND point them out, it blows. Kinda stings like when you chop a finger off and use lemon as a band-aid.

I don't know what my problem is or what is wrong with me, APPARENTLY I have "deep rooted issues/anger issues". No this was not from a doc or a counselor... it was from a person I know. Anyways, I already know this... if I had the time to take off to be fully assessed by a real shrink and have the time to spend on working through my issues, things would be easier. However, I have a job and a life.... I can't put everything on hold because I have "issues". The world doesn't work that way.

So instead I get told I have a problem that I need to fix. That's it! No encouragement. No safety net or support group. No tips or advice to work through my anger. Instead I just get told what I have already known for like ever. Duh I am angry. Duh I have problems. Duh I have dark creepy hatefulness inside. Who the heck doesn't?! No one has a piece of cake life. My coping mechanisms may not be the best. I may not reach out for help but I know I can't just sit and wallow in my misery. I am not about to go section 8 or go on SSI because 'I had a hard life'. So stupid!

I go on hiding being angry or mean because I don't need people around me to notice I am a nasty person. I don't NEED people to tell me things I already know. It's during these instances where I just wanna throw my hands up in the air and go hermit style. Seriously if I am such a nasty person, that others have to point it out... then maybe I don't need to be out and about frolicking with the GP. It's a slap in the face I didn't need or am able to handle right now. I am so ready to cut off everyone I know just so I can keep my bad juju out of everyone's life.

Sick Little Obsession

Has anyone ever watched the movie May? If you haven't I suggest it, basically she becomes obsessed with certain people based on what she finds attractive on them. Well anyways, here I am sitting here thinking about hands... yes, hands. For as long as I can remember I always liked looking at hands. Dirty finger nails are gross, long finger nails on boys are gross, nail bitten fingers are gross. However, I am not just obsessed with how nasty some hands are.... I am obsessed with hands in general.

Sleeping Dogs

This poor little dog comes over to rest with Ginger all the time. I think he us not only neglected but also abused. He never has a collar, he is covered in fleas and is always out. And the other day when he stopped by for food and water some one snipped the hair on the end of his tail clean off. :( Poor little guy, I have taken him back to the owners but I think this time I will just take him to the pound and put my name down as a potential adoptive parent for the little guy. Daniel already named him Guillermo and he totally answers to it. I feel bad for the poor guy. Stupid owners and their lame kids.

Such a good boy!

Squid Jerky!

It came from Japan and tasted quite fishy. It wasn't bad but I don't think I would choose to buy this as a snack. They had a sweetness to them too to help balance out the fishy taste. Thanks Bryan, it was an excellent taste bud adventure!

And here is a poem a friend of mine wrote for me because I like bananas:

I… AM A BANANA

I AM A BANANA… I LIVE IN A TREE.
I AM A BANANA… ITS GREAT TO BE ME.
LIVING SO FREELY… YELLOW AND SMOOTH,
YELLOW FROM SUN…MY RIPENESS I PROVE.
PLUCKED BY A MONKEY…DEATH I FEEL NEAR,
AS HE PEELS OFF MY SKIN… LIKE A FRESHLY KILLED DEER.
IN THE FORM OF A TURD, I FALL FROM THE SKY,
AND INTO THE GROUND, TO SPROUT I SHALL TRY.
I AM FERTILE AND WET, WITH THE SWEET MORNING DEW,
I REACH FOR THE SKY, AND LIFE STARTS ANEW.

Early Bloomers

I had to hand craft an environmentally safe maxi pad for my dogs vagina. She decided last night that her vag needed to start the bleeding. So I had to make her a cloth diaper to wear till I can get to the pet store to do it the lazy way. And after she is done making a mess of herself she gets to see the vet for a little snippa snippa!

Fashion maxi pad, I made it myself!

Ask me again what is on my mind.

No one could ever say it any better than Shel Silverstein.

This is exactly why I can't sleep, it is why I get cranky and the reason I cry uncontrollably. This man is a freakin' genius!

Whatif by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,

Some whatifs crawled inside my ear

And pranced and partied all night long

And sang their same old whatif song:

Whatif I'm dumb in school?

Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?

Whatif I get beat up?

Whatif there's poison in my cup?

Whatif I start to cry?

Whatif I get sick and die?

Whatif I flunk that test?

Whatif green hair grows on my chest?

Whatif nobody likes me?

Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?

Whatif I don't grow tall?

Whatif my head starts getting smaller

Whatif the fish won't bite?

Whatif the wind tears up my kite?

Whatif they start a war?

Whatif my parents get divorced?

Whatif the bus is late?

Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?

Whatif I tear my pants?

Whatif I never learn to dance?

Everything seems swell, and then

The nighttime whatifs strike again!

When I sit at home getting ready for bed the scary what ifs come out to get me. The alcohol, the pills and anything else I can get my greedy little hands on to keep the what ifs from destroying me; there they still are, the what ifs. Staring into the dark with my covers pulled up around my head afraid of something that is going to get me and it's all in my head. I just want to blackout. I don't want to think... I don't want the what ifs to get me. There are lots of what ifs and as much as I try to avoid, ignore, look past them.... they are always there. At work they stare at me in the face when I have idle time. When I open my eyes in the morning there they are looking back at me.



Of course all I ever hear is that I worry over nothing... I stress about little things... I need to relax. I try to relax all the time to no avail! I wish I could have some kind of brain damage and yet again here I am thinking: What if I get brain damage and I can't help my family? What if I end up not able to take care of myself? What if I end up with Alzheimer's like grandpa? I hope I don't end up a burden for my family. And then change my mind and hope nothing bad happens to my brain and yet here I am staring back into my mind wondering why? What the deal is? Why does the rest never come? Seriously how hard does a brain have to think before it melts down???


Three hundred million thoughts of what ifs go through my mind all day everyday... I don't know which what if to worry about and which to ignore completely....

Example last night during one of my what if moments here is a text I sent my sister:
If god frowns on suicide and hurting yourself? What if someone has an actual mental affliction they can not control? Does god forgive them if they hurt or kill themselves?



Seriously if god knows all and and is benevolent and forgiving.... is he willing to overlook a sin because someone is actually "sick" and can't help themselves? Ok; you that read this don't get worried, I know there was a macabre post earlier but these are the questions that run through my mind all the time.... silly little questions that would never apply to me but still! Inquiring minds want to know, I am seriously a Curious George. I want to know answers for everything and its an impossibility but I will continue to ask my questions; answers or no. Now here goes the way my brain thinks.....



>One of the commandments says you should not kill or spill innocent blood or something along those lines.... Well that would then apply to the self. One should not shed one's own blood or murder themselves.... (Yeah yeah I know its all about interpretation but dammit my brain thinks this way.) So to me this means you did a no no if you hurt yourself or kill yourself. But there are those out there that are completely mad and off themselves. Really things are getting worse by the minute... so wouldn't god understand that things are getting worse. Humans as a whole are degenerating at an exponential rate. Is he going to hold a 10 year old that offs themselves responsible and deny them whatever prize it is he has for them. (This is all speculation of course cause I dunno if there is or is not a god.) I mean even now our society sees a 10 year old as someone that is too immature to make responsible decisions. Would god, if god exists, hold a 10 year old responsible for such an act? Would the parents be held responsible?>



Stupid thinking and stupid thoughts.... I need to stop writing before I end up in the PUFF... really though these are thoughts that daily haunt me. I do not know if there is a god. I do not know what happens to people when they die. I don't know why these thoughts haunt me. I don't know why I kick myself in the shins when I have it so good. I have a job, my family counts on me, my friends and co-workers appreciate me but I get those strange thoughts.... I think that if there is by chance a god, I would not want to disappoint, I try my hardest to be a good person. I don't know what happens when we die... I hope I just get to become worm food and nothing more. My small mind can not comprehend the thought of heaven or hell or reincarnation or whatever the damn most popular thing at the time is. I wonder if there is a better person out there for my some what significant other.... someone not hung up on what ifs and a silly heart day dreamer. I want the best for everyone. I want my siblings to become self sufficient and not have to look to me for advice, guidance or help. I can hardly help myself.

I know I do this to myself... I don't need to be a receptive friend, person, sister.... I can walk off into the sunset and never be heard from again. And yet again here I am thinking what would happen if I did that? What if I did walk off? How many times have I been a shoulder to cry on? How many times have a figuratively talked someone off the ledge? Who would fill my shoes if I leave? What mess will I leave behind if I pull a selfish move? Alright enough of this lame shit. Have a good day all.... next time you ask what the heck I am spacing off on you can know, everything!

Horrible Horrible

First and foremost, this is just writing to get things off my chest. Plus everyone has strange little thoughts from time to time especially during times of crisis. So last night I had one of those, cry myself to sleep nights. Those nights where you feel defeated about everything and you just want to crawl into a hole and die. And of course you hear people chime in with, "Only selfish people check out early." Well in my thoughts, it's those people who say that who are the ones that are selfish. I mean really if someone is that depressed and over it and it's agony to wake up and continue everyday. Why would you want to keep someone in that type of daily torture? Because you are selfish! Because if they are gone it would bother YOU... because it would in turn make YOU feel bad. But really when someone is scrapin' rock bottom, reprimanding someone about how selfish they are being does NOT, I repeat, does NOT help. I mean come on, let's all kick the depressed person while they are down!

Art by Stacy

My really good friend Stacy found love in photography. She takes some really good pictures and with picture taking she discovered that modifying photos helps her creative juices flow. And she always does such a good job editing her own photos, I asked her to do one of mine. Here are the results:

I really like the 2nd one and the last one, they are all good but those two call to me a bit more.

Fro hair and Ginger.

Recently Daniel decided he needed a pet, a small sized apartment pet. And since I have cat allergies he decided we needed to rescue a dog!

Her name is Ginger. So yeah, that's the latest and greatest in my world. Wild hair and a cute puppy. Her breath stinks, she is not potty trained and I think she is more my dog than his.
Lame.

Blueberry Oatmeal Stout

It was very very tasty!